It's been a week since I've written, mostly because I've been busy trying to get my life back on track. I've come to the slow realization that I think I've been in a subtle depression-ish existence for the past month. I'm not sure depression is really the word, "blues" might be more appropriate. Combine that with a wicked cold...
Anyways, I've been hitting the gym, and the endorphins are certainly awesome. As they say in Legally Blonde, "endorphins make people happy, and happy people just don't kill people!" Happy people also live the lives they want to live. I've been so active this week, more than I have in the past two months really. It feels good. It feels more than good. It's giving me back myself. It's taking the discussions about living from the page and helping me to put them into life. It brings clarity to the brain, energy into the body, and definitely a sound night's sleep!
Of course, I miss being active outside. Nothing beats a walk on the beach under the stars, or running on the track with a bunch of 12 year old students from your class... The sun, the fresh air, it really puts things into perspective. It's cold, though, and it can be hard to get off the couch when the air is 20, wind chill 15.
If you're stuck in my shoes, I recommend joining your local gym. In times like these, when money is tight, it can seem like such an unnecessary expense. But it is necessary. It is necessary that we let our bodies move. Our bodies ache to move each day, and far too many people I know come home and lay on the couch for hours. Get out! Get up! Run, bike, salsa, swim... Whatever it is, DO it. It will give you some zen, for just a few minutes a day, and all life changes can come from that.
25.1.09
19.1.09
Looking forward to looking back on these days...
I've been pretty sick this weekend, with a wicked cold that has been passing around school. It's migrated from the head, to the neck, and now to the lungs. I should have used the weekend as a chance to rejuvenate, relax, and refill my soul... Instead, I have watched a lot of bad television and eaten a lot of crappy food.
Indeed, I'm a little bit disappointed in myself. This cold has knocked a realization into me -- I seem to have lost a lot of the balance that I found last year. It's been a slowly dawning realization, starting with the loss of patience that I have been feeling at work. And now sick? I haven't been sick in a year, which is quite the accomplishment for me.
And I don't think it's simply because a bad virus has been passing around the school, leaving numerous victims in its wake. I think it's because my mind has been laser-focused on one thing at a time, overwhelming myself and taking all of my attention. First, it was graduate school and doing well in that. Then it was changing the curriculum and direction of school -- hours at night.
Last Spring, I felt really good. I felt like myself. I felt like more than myself -- I felt connected, meaningful.
It was because of balance. I had balance between work and leisure, between mental activity and physical activity, between every sphere of my life in which there could be balance. I did not laze around on the couch all night, but I also did not work like a crazy person. I spent time doing all the things I love...
The problem is that I'm not entirely sure how I got there, nor how I lost that. I know that I felt amazing, and that I want to feel amazing and balanced again. I was contemplating this last night -- and realizing that we only have this one life, this one day, this one moment. Am I spending it in the way that I want to spend it? Am I doing the things that I want to do? Am I making the memories that I want to make?
The question, of course, is how do I get back to that? Perhaps I'll look through my journals, and remember the things that I wrote, the things that I read, the things that I ate. What can I do to ensure that I am LIVING each moment, not letting moments pass me by? When I am doing something, I should ask -- is this what I really want to be doing right now? If not, what is it that I want to do? How can I make that happen?
All of it adds together, the building blocks of a balanced life.
Indeed, I'm a little bit disappointed in myself. This cold has knocked a realization into me -- I seem to have lost a lot of the balance that I found last year. It's been a slowly dawning realization, starting with the loss of patience that I have been feeling at work. And now sick? I haven't been sick in a year, which is quite the accomplishment for me.
And I don't think it's simply because a bad virus has been passing around the school, leaving numerous victims in its wake. I think it's because my mind has been laser-focused on one thing at a time, overwhelming myself and taking all of my attention. First, it was graduate school and doing well in that. Then it was changing the curriculum and direction of school -- hours at night.
Last Spring, I felt really good. I felt like myself. I felt like more than myself -- I felt connected, meaningful.
It was because of balance. I had balance between work and leisure, between mental activity and physical activity, between every sphere of my life in which there could be balance. I did not laze around on the couch all night, but I also did not work like a crazy person. I spent time doing all the things I love...
The problem is that I'm not entirely sure how I got there, nor how I lost that. I know that I felt amazing, and that I want to feel amazing and balanced again. I was contemplating this last night -- and realizing that we only have this one life, this one day, this one moment. Am I spending it in the way that I want to spend it? Am I doing the things that I want to do? Am I making the memories that I want to make?
The question, of course, is how do I get back to that? Perhaps I'll look through my journals, and remember the things that I wrote, the things that I read, the things that I ate. What can I do to ensure that I am LIVING each moment, not letting moments pass me by? When I am doing something, I should ask -- is this what I really want to be doing right now? If not, what is it that I want to do? How can I make that happen?
All of it adds together, the building blocks of a balanced life.
9.1.09
What is the definition of "thriving?"
I've been reading The Thrive Diet by Brazier, and I really like the information in it. I think it's written in a really approachable, understandable way, but also with facts to back it up. It combines the ideas that I've been reading about involving diet for the past year, such as raw foods, pH balance, whole foods. I highly recommend it.
But it also had me thinking -- what is the definition of thrive? Is it productivity? Is it health? Is it happiness? Everyone has their own priorities and beliefs about what makes their lives happy. Some people would choose a cheeseburger over preventative health measures. For some, working a lot is a drag; for others, working a lot is bliss.
Perhaps, in life, we need to find our own definition of thriving. What does it mean to thrive? What does it mean for our day to day lives? Our work, our play? How can we prioritize our lives to ensure that we are thriving?
I really enjoyed Brazier's discussion of thriving, which seemed to include some combination of health, happiness, and productivity. It wasn't about sacrificing one for the other, such as a good diet creating less happiness. That kind of balance? That's what I'm seeking in life.
But it also had me thinking -- what is the definition of thrive? Is it productivity? Is it health? Is it happiness? Everyone has their own priorities and beliefs about what makes their lives happy. Some people would choose a cheeseburger over preventative health measures. For some, working a lot is a drag; for others, working a lot is bliss.
Perhaps, in life, we need to find our own definition of thriving. What does it mean to thrive? What does it mean for our day to day lives? Our work, our play? How can we prioritize our lives to ensure that we are thriving?
I really enjoyed Brazier's discussion of thriving, which seemed to include some combination of health, happiness, and productivity. It wasn't about sacrificing one for the other, such as a good diet creating less happiness. That kind of balance? That's what I'm seeking in life.
6.1.09
What's with the "in-group"?
Why do we, as humans, have such trouble with being a member of an out-group? Why do we have such a desperate desire to fit in, to be a part of the 'in-group,' even when the in-group is always changing? And I don't mean a group of friends that you have, that formed around a common interest, or such. I mean the groups that are together just because they are together -- in time, in space.
Close quarters does not have to be close friendships, yet we often pretend that they form. We change ourselves, we wear masks, we laugh at things that we don't think are funny, and pretend to care about things that we don't. We hid our own true interests, and listen to other people talk --- not because we care about them, but because if we don't --- then we won't belong there. And if we don't belong there, where do we belong?
It's strange, because many of us think that we don't have problems being part of a group, or not. I myself was never "cool," and yet when I think back -- there were many times that I was not true to myself in order to be part of a group. Even a "nerdy" group. Some of these people were true friends, with whom I shared laughter and tears. Many of them, though, stifled me. They stifled my ability to think independently, feel independently, act independently. We're so afraid to stand out from the crowd. To be brighter, to think creatively.
Why? Why are we so afraid? Why is it a crime for people to stand out? Why is it a judgment for people to dress strangely, to have weird interests, to be themselves, with no apologies?
I want to be unique. I don't want to be part of a group. I want to be Audra, myself. I want friends, of course, and I treasure the friends that I have. But I don't want to be around people who expect for there to never be disagreement. I don't want to be around people who lower my light, rather than boosting my shine. I want authentic friends, true friends -- to match my authentic self.
Close quarters does not have to be close friendships, yet we often pretend that they form. We change ourselves, we wear masks, we laugh at things that we don't think are funny, and pretend to care about things that we don't. We hid our own true interests, and listen to other people talk --- not because we care about them, but because if we don't --- then we won't belong there. And if we don't belong there, where do we belong?
It's strange, because many of us think that we don't have problems being part of a group, or not. I myself was never "cool," and yet when I think back -- there were many times that I was not true to myself in order to be part of a group. Even a "nerdy" group. Some of these people were true friends, with whom I shared laughter and tears. Many of them, though, stifled me. They stifled my ability to think independently, feel independently, act independently. We're so afraid to stand out from the crowd. To be brighter, to think creatively.
Why? Why are we so afraid? Why is it a crime for people to stand out? Why is it a judgment for people to dress strangely, to have weird interests, to be themselves, with no apologies?
I want to be unique. I don't want to be part of a group. I want to be Audra, myself. I want friends, of course, and I treasure the friends that I have. But I don't want to be around people who expect for there to never be disagreement. I don't want to be around people who lower my light, rather than boosting my shine. I want authentic friends, true friends -- to match my authentic self.
4.1.09
Matilda learned that life could be fun, and decided to have as much of it as possible.
I really need to find a more concentrated topic for my posts, but this rambling is certainly helping me get my feet under me. Maybe the introspection will help someone else, to seek their own adventures, to start living their own life.
I slept very late... I have been extremely groggy and tired, likely due to the post-holiday detox. Isn't it interesting how foods can affect our energy, our spirit, our life so fully? And yet, most people don't give a second thought to food, unless it is about their weight. Which isn't quite the same as health, although there is that strong correlation.
Today for breakfast: a chocolate banana green smoothie. Does it not sound luscious?
And then -- adventures! I've realized that this Fall, part of what I've lost is a sense of passion, and a sense of adventure. I have not loved my life, nor lived the life I love. I came home. I sat on the computer. I checked my blogroll. I checked Facebook. I checked my email. I rechecked Facebook. And endless pattern from the time I arrived home until time for bed, really. It's not really the adventurous life -- or even a fun life. It's boring!
I want to feel sun on my face, and wind in my hair. I want to spend more of my life unplugged than plugged in. I love the Internet because it keeps me connected with people from far away, family and friends. I love it for giving me the chance to learn new things and explore different beliefs and values. But I think it has connected us with faraway friends while disconnecting us from the life that is actually around us.
I also think that I have been far too obsessed with having a clean, neat house. What does it matter, really, in the grand scheme of things? I want a nice house, a house that is pleasant to come home to, a house where I feel comfortable. But it does not need to be this spotless, perfection place. I want a place that looks lived in, because I'm living! We're living! We're seeking adventures every day.
Every day should be an adventure. Every day, I want to wake up, and say, "I'm having an adventure today!" When we are trying to figure out what to do on the weekend, I don't want it to be mundane. I don't want it to be habitual. I want it to be adventuresome! Fun!
So, today, Dan and I are going on a hunt for an adventure.
2.1.09
What is the sunnier life?
The start of a new year seems to be the perfect time for the start of a new blog. Last year, for a brief period, I caught a glimpse of what life can be. It slipped between my fingers, and now I'm back to life as it is.
Life as it is -- stress, dreary gray days, and a feeling of being rushed. Spaced out from moment to moment, and lacking the fullest connection even to the people that you love the most. Mindlessness in everything, from work to eating.
But there's something else, beyond that. I don't mean a religious something else, although some people find that something else through religion. There's a peace, a deeper meaning, a constant happiness. The sun seems a bit brighter, and life just seems a bit more real. The connections between people are so strong, vibrant. Vibrating. Golden. I really want that again. I want to feel it, but not briefly. Not fleetingly. I want to find out how I got there, and get it back.
The thing is that it's not something you "get," I know that. It's more like a journey, a series of realizations and small steps. But I know that there are steps that I can take to bring more vibrance to my life.
I can surround myself with people who make me feel like smiling, rather than people who bring drama and dreary. I can eat foods that make me feel alive, rather than sluggish and sick. I can practice awareness daily. I guess that I am starting this blog to document this journey. A journey towards a more healthy life, really, a life that is healthy both in physical and in more than merely physical. It sounds so metaphysical, so philosophical...
The thing is that it's easy to sit here and ramble about vibrance and health. The catch is to do it while actually living life. Dealing with the down moments, enjoying the peaks and the valleys together. Doing the day to day details, the mundane, but also chasing the dreams, the excitement. Building the life that you want every single moment.
Life as it is -- stress, dreary gray days, and a feeling of being rushed. Spaced out from moment to moment, and lacking the fullest connection even to the people that you love the most. Mindlessness in everything, from work to eating.
But there's something else, beyond that. I don't mean a religious something else, although some people find that something else through religion. There's a peace, a deeper meaning, a constant happiness. The sun seems a bit brighter, and life just seems a bit more real. The connections between people are so strong, vibrant. Vibrating. Golden. I really want that again. I want to feel it, but not briefly. Not fleetingly. I want to find out how I got there, and get it back.
The thing is that it's not something you "get," I know that. It's more like a journey, a series of realizations and small steps. But I know that there are steps that I can take to bring more vibrance to my life.
I can surround myself with people who make me feel like smiling, rather than people who bring drama and dreary. I can eat foods that make me feel alive, rather than sluggish and sick. I can practice awareness daily. I guess that I am starting this blog to document this journey. A journey towards a more healthy life, really, a life that is healthy both in physical and in more than merely physical. It sounds so metaphysical, so philosophical...
The thing is that it's easy to sit here and ramble about vibrance and health. The catch is to do it while actually living life. Dealing with the down moments, enjoying the peaks and the valleys together. Doing the day to day details, the mundane, but also chasing the dreams, the excitement. Building the life that you want every single moment.
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